Potential New Pope Torpedoed By Racy Bike Week Photos

Latex_Nun_by_VBlancoSeveral  bike week photographs, taken 20 years ago, have torpedoed one of the front running candidates to replace the retiring Pope Benedict XVI, according to sources inside the Vatican who asked not to be identified

In 1992, when he was just 48 years old, Cardinal (then Bishop) Beagan Malachy took a walk on the wild side during Daytona’s spring bike week, and was photographed with a beer tub babe wearing a sexy nun costume.  According to the source, Malachy reportedly was also photographed later that same evening riding a Vespa down Main Street with that same beer maid as she flashed the crowd.  

Daytona Police allegedly stopped the Bishop but did not issue a citation, and the public affairs officer would neither confirm nor deny that the incident occurred.

The photograph surfaced on Twitter over the weekend, originating from @Nun_fantasy with the hashtag #raunchypope

Malachy joins  Dutch Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer as the second candidate to be taken off the short list of front runners to the papal throne.  According to the Borowitz Report, Cardinal Steuer attended Spring Break in Tampa and posted compromising Facebook photos to his account.

We reached out to Italian job placement specialist Alphonse Stigmatto , who was instrumental in helping several past Cardinals reach the upper echelon of Vatican politics, and he echoed the advice given by other experts “These photographs have a way of coming back at the worst possible times.  There’s not a Cardinal alive who hasn’t done something similar, but you just have to be on your guard and not let anyone get a photo of your face.  All things being equal, I think it was riding a Vespa instead of a Harley on Main Street that cost him the job. He should’ve known better.”

(our-advance-apologies to any offended Catholics)

 

 

 

 

 

Paul Sr. to appear on Celebrity Apprentice

Washington Times Gives Him Little Chance of Finishing

If you believe the Harley-Davidson motorcycle forums and Cyril Huze blog, the motorcycle community is weary of the whole concept of “celebrity” motorcycle builders.

Obviously we’re in the minority.  The rest of the country still has an infatuation with the larger than life persona of Orange County Chopper founder Paul Teutul Sr.

So much so that Donald Trump has cast the short tempered, wrench throwing, biceps bulging builder in the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.

The 62 year old Teutul joins 17 other well known, not so well known and used to be famous celebrities for the new season which premiers February 12th on NBC.  To make it easier, we categorized them into three tiers, front runners, middle packers, and snowball chance in hell of winning.  While the Washington Times puts the odds at 20-1 of Sr. actually winning, we placed him in the middle packers.  He’s got enough celebrity and business connections through his “theme bike” builds that he might be able to raise the dough it takes to win, but it’s going to be tough and his reputation is that he “does not play well with others.”   Make your pick in the poll at the end of the story.

Front Runners

Dee Snider, 56, rock star. 
The only other “biker” in the bunch, Snider and Teutul might form a “secret” alliance
Michael Andretti, 49, race car driver. 
Son of an Indy Car Legend, and highly competitive.  He won’t like losing to a “biker”
Arsenio Hall, 55, talk show host/comedian.
President Bill Clinton once appeared on his show playing the saxophone.  For that he deserves some respect. 
Penn Jillette, (of Penn and Teller)  56, magician. 
He’s the one who does all the talking in that well known Vegas act.  Magicians are crafty and he could pull the wool over the Don’s eyes, making it appear that his screw ups belong to someone else…
Victoria Gotti, 48, mob boss daughter
We’re not saying anything negative or positive about a mob boss daughter.  We’re dumb, but not suicidal.
 

Middle of the Packers

Paul Teutul Sr., 62, (“American Chopper”). 
His biggest weakness is his “I’m right and you’re an idiot” mentality, but it’s going to be fun watching the sparks fly when he gets pissed at another contestant.  Let’s hope he stays around long enough to be entertaining.
Cheryl Tiegs, 64, supermodel. 
Ok, she’s 64, and still hot as hell…but she got zero chance against Teutul’s asshole attitude in a verbal smack down. Still she’s the most formidable eye candy in the group.
Clay Aiken, 32, American Idol runner-up. 
Aiken came in second to Ruben Studdard…boy was he screwed on that one…and we predict history will probably repeat itself.
George Takei, 74, actor
Hipster trekkies will be pulling for their old friend Sulu, who was always there for Capt. Kirk and Mr. Spock.  If there ever was a team player, Takei is the real deal.
Lou Ferrigno, 59, Incredible Hulk
He’ll probably get knocked out of the pile early, but we bet he can stand toe to toe with anyone on the show and hold his own.  
Tia Carrere, 44, actress, model, and singer
Not quite the pushover as the others, but it’s hard to imagine her pulling together enough resources to actually win.  

SNOWBALL CHANCE IN HELL

Adam Carolla, 47, comedian
Who is this guy?  Oh, wait, he’s on Comedy Central…I think.  More cannon fodder. 
Debbie Gibson, 41, pop singer. 
Only in her dreams…. Sorry, that was just too easy a pun not to pen.  
Dayana Mendoza, 25, former Miss Universe. 
Cannon fodder….sexy, but cannon fodder. 
Teresa Giudice, 39, “Real Housewives of New Jersey”
Toast…..done…no chance…unless…..
Aubrey O’Day, 27, singer
If looks were currency, this flaming redhead would have money to spare, but she’s another one of those “Who the devil is that” celebrities.
Patricia Velasquez, 40, model
Same as O’Day but without the red hair and 20 something drop dead looks.
Lisa Lampenelli, 50, comedian. 
We don’t know why she was selected…maybe as cannon fodder?